Introducing: The Habitual Line Stepper

***A QUICK WARNING BEFORE WE KICK THIS OFF***

I have a habit of not acknowledging where the line exists between acceptable conversation topics and going too far when I rattle off my thoughts with wreckless abandon. DO NOT read this blog if you're a little kid, easily offended, stupid, or say Italian like EYE-talian. That shit pisses me off.  Other than that, sit back, relax, and and prepare to think to yourself "What the fuck? Kris Bryan is nuts."

Logophiles: The Black Eye on the Scripps Family Empire



This morning when I woke up, I thought to myself "Self, you need to learn a new word." Upon agreement with my inner monologue's idea, I vigorously swiped my finger across my phone's touch screen keyboard until my autocorrect kicked in and made a word. As fate would have it, my word to learn was 'Logophiles'.

After dedicating myself to researching the meaning of the word "Logophiles" for a full 45 seconds, I found this:


Main Entry: Logophile

Definition: A word lover

Etymology: [Greek] Logos 'speech' + -Phile 'friend, lover'


Immediately after reading the definition, I thought "Is that supposed to be taken literally? Really... A Word Lover? Is a Logophile someone that love loves words, like in a biblical sense?" After further contemplation and a great deal of studying, my mind took it a step further and came to a conclusion that shook me to the core... ESPN's annual broadcast of the Scripps National Spelling Bee Finals must totally be like porn for Logophiles. I shall explain my findings:

First off, as hard as it is to believe, I'm not a perv and don't watch adult movies (exploiting oneself carnally in an effort to afford baby formula and/or blow is not hot), but know enough about the cliché plot lines that I was able to invision that in the mind of a Logophile, this is what goes down when they watch The Bee:

When the judge announces/defines a word, that's kinda like the part of the movie where the Pizza Dude arrives. Then, when the judge reveals the word's country of origin, a Logophilic sees that like the striptease scene since the layers of the word's mystery slowly peel themselves away, revealing the root words that are hiding underneath. At this point, the action progresses rapidly when the judge exposes the word's etymology, the metaphorical full-frontal heavy petting to Logophiles. Proceeding this, it's business time as the contestant's attempt at spelling the word begins and lasts for about two sweaty minutes of deep and hard concentration.  At the climax of their turn, the contestant blows up with excitement if they came correctly and don't hear the sound of bells reverberating off of the walls behind the stage.  Actually, silence is not the desired end result if you find yourself in the postion of putting your poking sessions on film, but I digress...

As a personal rule of thumb, I always try to respect other people's quirks and do my best not to judge, but sorry Logophiles; when a Spelling Bee judge announces alternate pronunciations for a word, it does nothing for me in the groinal region.  As a public service I'd like to share three warning signs that you or someone you know may be a Logophile:

1. You're a Serial Cereal Fucker:
No matter how many times your starving loved ones beg, you cannot stop yourself from humping away at the family's entire weekly ration of Cheerios. What your family sees as whole grain circular O's meant for nourishment, you see as Evil Temptresses of the Night that purposely float side by side, seductively spelling "OOO! OOO! OOO!" until their sultry, moaning siren song has you once again under it's spell; steady pumping your breakfast cereal bowl, Cheerios rhythmically flying everywhere, ruining breakfast with your Grandparents.

2. You're the child of former Scripps Spelling Bee Champions:

An official study conducted by me a minute ago shows that children of parents who had once tasted the sweet nectar of Spelling Bee fame and are now three decades older, washed up, and unable to land even the smallest double word score in a game of Scrabble, are 98% likely to adopt a Logophilic lifestyle; doomed to live a life of alphabet fetishes and ultimate shame.  It's a scientific fact.

3. You have deep seeded Dictionary Issues: 
At one point in a potential Logophiles life, they have been victimized mentally and/or physically at the hands of a deadbeat dictionary.  Ask yourself this:  Did your dictionary leave home for a gallon of milk and never come back? Did it burn you with cigarettes in a jealous rage when it caught you reading an encyclopedia? Yes to any/all of the above? Then it's time to get some help and heal the paper cuts on your soul.

At any rate, that's where my mind has been for the last six hours. I don't know why my thoughts unfold like that, but you're welcome for the glimpse into my brain. I hope you understand a little better why I'm a crazy person.


Song stuck in my head while writing this:




Yep, Christmas music in June.  Kris Bryan Is Nuts.