Deep Thoughts By Kris Bryan

First things first: Due to the release of "Magic Mike" nationwide, I will be avoiding movie theaters at all costs for the next month because I do not like the scent of moist tuna.

Second things second: My Fitness Consigliere Michelle told me there were rumblings that the Colorado wildfires were possibly a terrorist plot.  Unless said terrorizers have been actively increasing the pine beetle population to an epidemic level in the Rocky Mountains for the past few decades, magically begun controlling weather patterns, manifested record setting heat with some kind of Ancient Jihadi Mind Meld, and have nothing but contempt for Colorado's world famous micro brews, I consider this theory officially debunked.

Here are a few terrorists plots that seem way more feasible to me.

-Parkour Guys Are Really State-Side Insurgents: Hello, have you ever seen a Taliban training camp photograph?  The obstacle courses look very similar to parkour urban obstacles, maybe a little too similar.  I'll let you be the judge.

-The Pussification Of Young American Males:  The United State's next generation of possible freedom fighters is on track to be the biggest bunch of wimp-bitches in our country's rich history.  I've never seen so many sickly, whiney Fem-Bots in my 32 years on Planet Earth. I blame it on three factors:
    
     1. Organic Food: The OBL a.k.a. Organic Buyers Lobby (weird, OBL also is the initials of Osama bin Laden... coincidence?) not only funds terrorist organizations but is actively killing off childrens' immune systems and antibodies one gluten free organic kale and kumquat wrap at a time.  From my experience as a healthy grown-up, I conclude that kids need exposure to germs, processed foods, mud pies/sandwiches, MSG, pesticides, corn syrup, salmonella, Hepatitis A thru C, etc. in order to properly man the fuck up.  Remember moms and dads, every time you buy a box of whole-grain certified organic Froot Loops, the terrorists win.

     2.  Skinny Jeans:  Young Men buying jeans in the "Young Miss" section of Mervyn's is the leading cause of Gender Dysphoria.  This trend ultimately will lead to our country not being able to protect itself from enemies foreign and domestic due to an extreme decline in military enlistments, as these hybrid Ladyboys won't want to get their fancy little vaginas all dirty.  Plus, those testie suffocating dungarees will lower the Ladyboy's sperm count to the point of "Breading Impossible" status.  At least Tom Cruise will have another "Impossible" movie to star in...

     3.  Justin Bieber and that Lady Gaga guy:  What a pair of Mary's.  I just want to get that out there.

Third things third: The televised US Olympic Trials have been awesome, and while I like the current roster of events, I feel these additions would be beneficial to the Games.  Here's my top ten new events:

US Synchronised Sissy Kicking Team

10. Freestyle Bitching and Moaning
9. Water Polio
8. Hippie Darts
7. Elderly Rascal Scooter Bumper Cars
6. Shot Put. With Babies.
5. Ping Pong. Again, With Babies.
4. Spousal Crop Dusting
3. White Trash Mumble Translating
2. Synchronized Sissy Kicking
1. Skeet Skeet Skeet Shooting

Fourth things fourth:  Enough with the fucking eCards on social networking sites.  We get it.  You're not Jerry Sienfeld and aren't clever enough to come up with your own wacky observations of everyday life.  Just know that every time you post an eCard, your greasy granny catches VD.

Song stuck in my head while writing this:


With that, I'm finished.  I've been out in the sun and 100 degree weather for almost two straight hours and am totally heat stroking right now.  That's what she said.  Kris Bryan Is Nuts.